Tags
bereavement, death, family, gay, heterosexual, HIV/AIDS, LGBT, partner, Research, taboo, under-researched
When somebody asks what we are researching and we say gay bereavement nearly everyone who we have spoken to stops and briefly ponders the topic. Being a man and experiencing the loss of male partner, a soul mate and friend never gets a mention. Why is this? The focus in British society is on husband and wife bereavement, and it is even rare for LGBT organisations to offer specialised support tailored to gay men following the loss of a same sex partner, or indeed for lesbians or bisexual bereaved partners.
We have just begun to interview gay bereaved men throughout the UK. We are interested in their experiences but we are also curious about why this is such an under-researched and little-talked about area. We are asking a number of questions. Is the experience of male gay bereavement similar or different to those of heterosexual couples? How do social and familial relationships change as a consequence of bereavement? How are societal expectations of bereavement challenged by gay bereavement. And what support can we provide for those who need support at this difficult time? Will changes around civil partnerships and gay marriage change society’s attitudes to gay partner loss? Our approach to this research is ‘we are the novices and you have the experience’
What has been astonishing is the speed in which news of our research has travelled and the distance. In little over two months we have recruited more than 20 men, from the UK, North America and Australia. The men who have contacted us want to be heard and are happy to share their experiences to help others in the same position as they themselves. Research exists examining the experiences of heterosexual men following the loss of their wives yet little is still known about the experiences of gay partner loss outside of an HIV/AIDS context.
Although recruitment has been successful we still need more men to come forward to speak to us. There is still much to be done. We are interested from hearing from gay men themselves and from organisations that support gay men both within and without an HIV/AIDS context. If you are able to help us spread the word, please do so.
As we wrote this blog we received an email from a prospective participant who said ‘I’m just pleased this research is being done…It’s a subject so taboo it never gets a mention’.
So if you are able to help us, please do. Or if you want to comment please do.
Contact us at:psyms@liv.ac.uk or visit our web page:
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Yes , it is true . i am a widower , elderly man who shared an extraordinarily happy 50 year close relationship with my male life-long partner until he died riddled with cancer . It took him two years to die .
I didn’t seek it , but I/we never received any offer of support throughout my partners grueling dying . Frankly , I don’t think it ever occurred to anyone that there actually are close gay partnerships who have to deal with bereavement in isolation . . It’s as though we simply do not exist .
There is and has been some sort of support for younger gay male couples who were caught up in the Aids epidemic , but not for elderly couples who’ve lived. quietly and happily together for half a century or more .
Well , without support I’m one of those pensioners left grieving . Ones allowed to grieve openly for about a couple of weeks and than expected to carry on as though nothing had happened ..
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My partner of 43 years has been told he has months to live. He has liver cancer. I don’t know wo to turn to . We don’t have any straight or gay friends. Can not find any help
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My heart goes out to you . You do realise you will always love your deceased partner ? You need support right now in the form of people who understand and are prepared to listen over and over if necessary to how you’re feeling and about you and your partners life together . I have to say GPs are not usually the way to go – they don’t have the time and inclination to help you …Only to dole out prescriptive pills !
In your accounts of your relationship you need to be able to laugh , cry , rage at the world for not understanding how much your partner meant and still means to you . After all the person and people you are and were was the result of your life together . There’s no doubt you rubbed off each other as a matter of course .
I can only suggest you pick up the phone and contact MacMillan Nursing for caring understanding . .
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my partner of 33 years recently died after being not well for close to 10 years. I,too have felt almost invisible throughout it all and now, even more so after his passing. he was ,actually the only guy who ever paid attention to me and I loved him so for that.We we’re together 24 hours a day the entire 33 years (in business together) and I miss him so. HE never liked to be alone and I think about him out there somewhere by himself and feel helpless-his ashes in our home are my only consolation-what utter sadness it all makes is-
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